How many times as children did we hear an adult tell us to "be nice"? This behavioral standard was reiterated over and over again growing up: at home, in classrooms, on playgrounds and more. Most of us go on to be those nice adults, who are conscious of the feelings of those around us. We don't want to seem rude or hurt anyone with our words. We might be REALLY good at being nice. But how good are we at being nice to ourselves?
This is trickier.
Consider what it sounds like in your head each day as you do all the things required of you. A quick Google search will tell you we have somewhere around 60,000 thoughts each day (personally, this still sounds like a low number, but we'll go with it). A constant stream of consciousness parallels all the activity we do (or don't do) during the day. What kind of thoughts are we having? Without even realizing it at times, we may be thinking some pretty harsh things about ourselves. "Ugh, come on, pay attention!" we might think when we mistakenly spill some coffee walking out the door. "What is wrong with me?!" is another thought that might pop up when we realize we forgot something on the calendar. These are just a few mild examples of negative thoughts we might have toward ourselves. For some people, they may have much more upsetting thoughts that involve insults, profanity, and extreme negative beliefs about oneself (this type of thinking is more related to unresolved trauma). And because these types of thoughts could happen hundreds or thousands of times a day, several years of thinking this way could then lend itself to anxiety, depression, and general dissatisfaction with life.
Imagine if we had been equally taught growing up to be nice to ourselves. Remembering that we can hurt our own feelings, too and how important it is to take care of our feelings. Learning to recognize negative thinking and beginning to shift into more compassionate, encouraging thoughts can have a significant impact on our mood, energy, and general attitude toward life.
This may look more like: "Mistakes happen, I am human", "I'm trying my best and need to be patient with myself", "my feelings and experience are valid and I am ok". If you're struggling to think of what you might replace your thoughts with, consider what you would say to a dear friend or a crying child. These more compassionate thoughts may not happen automatically, which is totally normal. Years of thinking a certain way will take time to change. This is often something that can be worked on and reinforced in therapy. Using IFS, EMDR and DBT can be great tools in helping to develop more self-compassion.
For more information on the benefits of self-compassion, visit https://www.self-compassion.org
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